Tech Talk

When Tech Fails (hilariously)

There is some kind of bug in my car’s remote, and I’m not quite sure I want to spend the energy to figure out what it is.

Every couple of months, the remote key fob thing, without which my car will not open or run at all, mysteriously goes dead.  This ALWAYS happens when I am in a parking lot somewhere and not when I’m at home, which is probably because my car isn’t locked when it is in the garage.  Or maybe because the robots are against us and trying to take over so my car is trying to send me a message that it controls whether or not I can drive home, but is taking advice from my idiot Roomba, so it can’t quite pull it together.

But I digress.  Every couple of months, I come out of a store and my car will not unlock.  At all.   The remote / key fob is completely non-responsive (as if the battery has suddenly gone dead).   The doors won’t open at all, and strangely, this car has no “valet key” that would allow me to just stick a frigging key in a frigging lock and open the frigging door like you have been able to do with every car since the beginning of cars.

This is one of those moments where you just have to laugh and observe that in fact, technology does NOT make every single thing better.  Some things are better left in analog form, like a frigging lock and key of a car door that you really do need to be able to open.

Anyhow, the solution to this is equally stupid.  In order to get my car to unlock itself, I have to go to an app on my phone, log in, tap the little icon for the fob, and hit the “UNLOCK” button.  Somehow, this causes the car to release its stranglehold on the locks and allow me back into my vehicle.

Do not even get me started on what would happen if I had just left my phone in the car, because I don’t like thinking about that.   That hasn’t happened yet, and that just sends me down into a whole other stupid rabbit hole.  Like, how would I call someone (either my husband or AAA)?  Would they have to physically break in to my car, and would they think it was weird that I was standing right there, holding the actual key fob of said car?  Would they laugh at the fact that I am essentially being held hostage by technology?  Would this situation seem as completely stupid to them as it always does to me?

The end of the story is that even when I use the phone to unlock the car, the car in question still will not start because it doesn’t recognize the fob, and there is no analog way to start this particular car.

Yes, I find that to be really, really stupid.

What I have to do to fix this is put the fob in a particular place in the car (the car is directing me to do this, believe it or not), hit the brake, then turn the car on.  This allows the car and the fob to re-establish their “connection,” and that solves the problem for a few months.

But again, why I have had to come up with this stupid workaround to solve for the LACK OF AN ACTUAL KEY is beyond me.   Why did the engineers that made my car have such faith in technology, such incredible hubris that they eliminated the key altogether?  Why was this a good idea?